TULALA+TULELE

Dimanche

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 04:09:38 GMT

Listening to: Hannah Hickok's songs (Really, you should, too.)

I have a file I keep in the office for me to write random things in. Here's what I wrote on Friday:

le 11 septembre 2009
11h 01m

Finally able to listen to my playlist!!!

Now listening to City and Colour. Wooooof. Happy Friday, nothing can bother me now.

...I can't stop smiling. But I'm keeping this to myself for now. Maybe for always. Some things are not meant to be said.

"There's no need to rush, we're all just waiting, waiting to die."
- Waiting, City and Colour �
13h27h

Everyone's leaving.

Bought a cake for A. earlier. She cried when I put it on her table. (I'll miss that kid.)

Quiet Sunday today. Took my work home. My boss from Aus will be in Manila for the next two weeks; I have to leave my schedule open so I can take them exploring/shopping/spelunking (haha, not really spelunking, I just think it's a funny, funny word. It ranks up there with spatula and yogurt. *grins*).

Went to the office yesterday for Excel training. Now I know Macros, woooof. Can't wait to try it out on my reports. ...uhm, that was quite a geeky thing to say wasn't it? Oh, well. That's all I ever do.

Anyway, anyway...just wanted to say...

I said to you the one gift which I'd adore
The package of the next ten years unfolding
But you told me if I had my way I'd be bored
Right then I knew I loved you best born of your scolding

- Language or the Kiss, Indigo Girls

(Lagi mo na lang binabasag ang trip ko. Wala na 'kong hirit na swak, 'pag ikaw ang kasama ko. Sabi mo, mas mainam ang ganyan dahil walang kayang kumontra sa 'kin. Sabi ko, 'e shit ka pala sa earth, e.' Pero tama ka. Sumasaya ako. Bukas ulit, magpapa-deep ka na naman at babasagin mo'ng trip ko. Haha, can't wait.)

Back, sort of

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 03:52:22 GMT

Listening to: A song for our fathers, Explosions in the Sky

I've been meaning to go back to writing for a long time now. Most of my friends have moved on to other things, like living: falling in love, getting married, having kids.

And because I have done none of those things, I'm still here.

Watched Disney-Pixar's UP with Kat and T� on Friday. We were at the Trinoma Mall and didn't know that a group called The Jabbawockeez was there, didn't expect that thousands would turn up to watch them.

We lost each other in the crowd, with me reeling from the noise and smell of sweat (I was diagnosed with Meniere's Disease a month ago), T� going to the second level North EDSA MRT exit, and Kat walking all the way to SM North to look for a romance novel.

After a flurry of SMS messages (T�, not me, as I don't SMS; I call), we decided to follow Kat to SM North. It was raining and there was mud and people everywhere, but we made it to the mall without any further mishaps.

The film opens with a long series of scenes about Carl and Ellie: how they met, fell in love, got married, renovated their house together, how they grew old (still together), and how she passed away before he did...I was blinking back tears all throughout that first sequence.

I was surprised to hear my words spoken by the young Ellie, "You don't say much, do you? I like you!" When my friend Smokey visited in June, I told him, "I like talking to R., because he just sits there, silent. I really like him." ��Smokey gave me an amused grin.

People expect me to always be around when they want to talk about themselves, their lives, their issues. Sometimes it annoys me, but most of the time, it leaves me too drained. So having someone who doesn't dump their problems on me feels like a balm.

(Anyhoo, I just wanted to tell you movie's great. You should go to your local cinema and watch it, it's worth your 150 pesos, and then some.)

Three weeks, in retrospect. From L-R, clockwise: 1) Ate at Peri-peri Restaurant after... 2) getting my hearing test results (I am not going deaf, after all) at the Manila Hearing Aid Center, 3) The egg chair at the MHAC looks cool. I want my own soundproof studio with a chair like that, too, for hours of karaoke fun, 4 & 5) I packed my stuff a couple of weeks ago because the carpenters were going to paint the built-in cabinet. Yes, Pogi the guitar is not so pogi anymore, I took out his strings. And good thinking on my part to cover my keyboard with a bath towel; there was dust everywhere, 6) The finished product...and uhm, I have to buy new pewter-finish knobs, grrr, 7) Found all the boxes of mobile phones I've had over the years (in order of purchase: Motorola V2288 (I called him Kenny after that South Park character), Nokia 3315, Sony Ericsson T230, Motorola Razr V3X, and Erik, the Sony Ericsson C702 (it's always a Moto or SE for me, thanks for noticing)), and 8) My new kid, Nameless, the ASUS laptop. :)

Thanks to LowerCasePeople for the idea of a weekly blog update.

April Fool's

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 09:30:43 GMT

My cat has not gone home for almost three weeks now. Some people would prob'ly say forget about it, and focus my attention on the other 15 cats we have.

But I can't.

I remember a summer day like this, I carried him to the vet because his liver was hanging out from a deep cut on his chest. My dad watched it all, without the usual silly grin on his face.

Someone told me once that animals take our pain, and I've seen this happen all too often.

Now I wonder, if I let him die then, if I didn't take him to the vet...would my dad have lived?

I have to stop missing everybody.

The late great

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 08:21:46 GMT

This is the same thing I go through everyday.

And since I'm trying to be positive about things...I think it's a blessing that I'm always running late because by the time I leave, the shops are already open and I can buy another pair of earrings (yeah, because I absentmindedly threw my favourite pair in the trash).

So!!! Thank!!! God!!!

Still

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 01:56:39 GMT

Why don't we stop fooling ourselves?
The game is over, over, over
No good times, no bad times,
There's no times at all,
Just the New York Times,
Sitting on the windowsill
Near the flowers

We might as well be apart
It hardly matters,
We sleep separately

And drop a smile passing in the hall
But there's no laughs left
Because we laughed them all
And we laughed them all
In a very short time

Time
Is tapping on my forehead,
Hanging from my mirror,
Rattling the teacups,
And I wonder,
How long can I delay?
We're just a habit
Like saccharin

And I'm habitually feelin' kinda blue
But each time I try on
The thought of leaving you,
I stop
I stop and think it over

Overs, Simon & Garfunkel
Old Friends, 1968

(And here I'll stay until it's over.)

Just another blog entry

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 14:36:35 GMT

I haven't written in a while.� Not that anyone'd notice.

They still haven't delivered my Griffin & Sabine boxed set.� I think I lost my excitement, it's taking so long.� So, uhm...

Think I should get a haircut, my hair is way too long.� It's now halfway down my back.� I look like an elf, except I'm way too...uhm...cute to be an elf.� Plus, my ears are too small.

They're too small, in fact, that ordinary earphones either hurt my ears or easily slip out.� So on the question of headphones or earphones (I saw this while reading a friend's post in Friendster�), I choose headphones.� Or earphones, if they're really tiny (like the pair I bought at CDR-King...they're what, about half a centimeter in diameter, with flexible rubber thingamajigs that fit halfway inside each ear.� If I had a choice, though, I'd choose a really nice sound system - one with 5.1 speakers and a subwoofer - any day.� I like listening to music and ambient sound.� Besides, I don't really like going "What?" everytime someone says something.� I already say "What?" enough as it is.

Anyway, I was supposed to go to this rock concert with an old colleague, but decided to spend Friday night home.� (I'm sorry, Jeffrey.� I really am.)

You know, I should really get myself out of this rut.

Now this thing - this rut - I really can't explain what it is.� I guess it's the bland taste in your mouth even after brushing your teeth twice.� It's like looking at your reflection in the mirror and seeing grey spots on your nose.� You try to wipe your nose clean, but the grey spots don't come off, so you just stare at the grey stain and mutter about concealers and facial moisturizers...

This rut makes you say that the glass is half-empty, and you believe that if you're happy today, you'll be sad tomorrow, so you try to suppress your happiness lest something bad happens...you know?

I had one of these philosophical discussions with my siblings a few weeks ago.� We were discussing about heaven, hell and purgatory (don't ask me how we got to talking about that, I don't remember either) and my sister said, "What if this is already hell and we don't know it?"� So we threw ideas around for a bit.� Then I said, "What if it's the opposite?� What if this is heaven and we just don't know that this is as good as it gets?"� They thought about it, chucked the idea, and went back to dissing contestants on Pinoy Dream Academy.

So, I'm rambling again.

(Truth is, I'm thinking about someone far away...does he think of me sometimes?� Should I just resign myself to the fact that I'll be north of nowhere and he'll be south of somewhere for the rest of our lives?� It's sad, that phrase, 'for the rest of our lives.'� I wonder if I'll ever see him again.)

Virtual drive

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 19:33:15 GMT

Should buy myself a car, for those moments that I burst into song (happens quite often...and yes, people look at me like I'm retarded or something.)

I like this...

...because it's as old as I am. It's also smooth and chubby, just like me. *grins*

Sometimes I get to thinking why I am the way I am. I see most of my friends getting married and having kids or travelling all over the country, all over the world, and here I am trying to save up for my first car. ...I'm not even serious about the saving part. Maybe I'll buy a car, maybe I'll buy a laptop, or a bike, or a house.

It should be easy, right? You grow up, you meet the love of your life, you make babies, you stop working, you make more babies, you attend PTAs and bingo socials and talk about soap operas and other mundane things. Or you travel the world and upload thousands of photos so others will know you've been there, you've done that.

Is that all there is to it? Somehow, I think I'm missing out on something. ...I read this book a long time ago, and one character said something about the futility of life. What is it about, really?

"Another belief of mine: that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise."

- Margaret Atwood, Cat's Eye (1988)

Oh, wow

Thu, 22 May 2008 14:54:33 GMT

Nice.

*hums the Indiana Jones theme song*

�

2:11

Sat, 17 May 2008 18:11:28 GMT

You are 2:11 a.m.

Your time of day has a split personality -- sometimes it's sweat-streaked and loud, and you're on the dance floor, getting your third wind, and shouting lyrics like you'll never run out of energy. You are the time of night that carves itself into your memory forever, because you'll never forget how much you love these people and this moment and this song. It's not always about unforgettable parties, though. Sometimes your late night (err? early morning) burst of energy happens when you're home alone. Those are the times when you say, "I flat out refuse to go to sleep until I finish reading this book, or typing this page, or reorganizing my entire closet." In either case, you are the time of night when it feels sort of forbidden to be awake, but you love accomplishing something special long after everyone else went to bed. And hey -- you can always catch up on sleep tomorrow, right?

...oh, so apt.� It's been raining for the past few days, with one thunderstorm coming after another.� Bed weather, really.� I went to bed at one in the morning and woke up at two in the afternoon.

So anyway, I can't sleep yet.� Read, I think I'll read.� I've been browsing other people's blogs and I suddenly feel...I can't find the right words.� I wonder why I can't say how I feel as easily as other people?� I've been grappling with this for the past few hours, asking myself, how do I feel?� Sleepy?� No.� Sad?� Not really.� Happy?� No.� Bored?� No, I don't ever get bored.� Tired?� No.� Scared?� Not much, just a little.� Angry?� No.� Confused?� Possibly.� Is it possible for someone not to feel anything?

Hmm.� (And here, I'm supposed to type in something witty, or something that will give you your Oprah 'aha' moment, but I've run out of words.� So, I'll end this with 'hmm,' and hope you leave me to my peace.)

Half-empty

Thu, 15 May 2008 15:48:55 GMT

It's my birthday today, and I just found out that I have Attention Deficit Disorder.� So one would think this explains everything.� But then, so what?

So what if I forget half of what I'm saying halfway through�the sentence?� So what if I get confused when I hear�other people's conversations while I'm talking?��If I forget my keys, my�milk (the ants�are crawling all�over the room), myself (still floating around, somewhere), does it matter?

So what if I find out I'm always late for appointments because�of this?� Am I�just trying�to get people's sympathy?� To explain, rather belatedly, that 'oh I didn't go to your party because I have ADD and people who have been diagnosed with such a mental disorder CAN'T HELP it...'?� You think life will be easier when you finally have something to blame for all the inconsistencies, the inexplicable episodes of non-communication,�the impulsive decision to quit, to leave, to disappear?

All the questions have been answered.� But it doesn't make things any easier.� If anything, it makes them more painful, like salt on an open wound.�

Oh, well.� Life goes on (and I forget.)

�